


How (NOT) to Get a Date

by Canadian_BuckBeaver



Series: Reader Inserts [16]
Category: Underfell - Fandom, Undertail - Fandom, Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Allergic reaction, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Underfell (Undertale), Alternate Universe - Undertail (Undertale), Asgoriel, Awkward Dates, Bad Advice, Bad Days, Bad Luck, Best, Disasters, Dorms, F/M, First Dates, First Kiss, Gen, Getting Together, Healthy Relationships, I'm Bad At Tagging, Love Poems, Mettaton EX, Movie Night, Possessive Sans, Protective Sans, Reaction, Reader Is Not Chara, Reader Is Not Frisk, Reader-Insert, Relationship Advice, Restaurants, Romantic Comedy, Romantic Fluff, Sans Has Issues, Sans Needs A Hug, School, Skeletons, Theatre, Tuxedos, Underfell Asgore Dreemurr, Underfell Mettaton, Underfell Papyrus, Underfell Sans, Underfell Toriel - Freeform, Undertail, Undertale Monsters on the Surface, University, Waiters & Waitresses, bonefriend, dating manual, english classes, first date disaster
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-22 15:38:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15585129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canadian_BuckBeaver/pseuds/Canadian_BuckBeaver
Summary: You and Sans go to Fell University together.  The skeleton is a close friend of yours, always ready with a silly, sometimes risky joke.  So when he comes to school one day completely different, you definitely notice that there is something up.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mavi_Mav](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mavi_Mav/gifts).



> A commission for the lovely Mavi-Mav! Thank you!

“Romantic poetry,” Toriel said, writing it out on the whiteboard in the front of the class. “This type of poetry isn’t just reserved for Valentine’s day. Poets and author’s first began to focus on this type of poetry during the Romantic Era of Europe between the years of 1800 to 1850, during the period which we now call the ‘Enlightenment Period’,” she continued, jolting down the important points under her header.  
Your foot bounced slightly on your knee as you took notes. When you had been accepted into the Fell University, a university with a diversity between monsters and humans, you weren’t sure what to expect at first. Sure, you were excited about moving a couple thousand miles away from your friends and family, a chance at a fresh start and of course a chance to live on your own. You still had your fears and reservations about the school, but overall you were not disappointed. The University was fascinating. There were unique classes, such as monster biology and basic magic, that weren’t offered anywhere else, and it had been one of the top-rated schools of the country.  
You hadn’t regretted it in the slightest.  
“Now, Romantic Poetry sharply contrasts with Neoclassical Poetry. This is the poetry that we tend to speak of in this class. Romantic poetry is known to be emotional and imaginative, while neoclassical is both intelligent and speaks of reason.”  
Toriel’s red eyes flashed quickly before she gave a devious smile. “Sans? Perhaps you would like to give an example of romantic poetry to the class?” she asked.  
To your right, Sans the skeleton jumped, his hand still outstretched towards you. His red eye lights widened as they looked between you and Toriel, his fangs twitching as he tried to settle between a frown and a smile. You had been so engrossed in Toriel’s lessons you had missed that you was trying to hand you a note. Opps. “Sure, Tori.” He said with a quick sigh. You shot him an apologetic smile as he stood, brushing down his dark jacket and clearing his throat (how did a skeleton speak or have a throat to clear?), before speaking. His golden fang sparkled in the odd light of the classroom, making him more intriguing. “Her eyes sparkle like emeralds, green as grass… Someday I wish that I could have a piece of that ass.”  
You couldn’t help the laugh that escaped you, the rest of your classmates joining in. Sans had a dangerous sense of humour that you absolutely loved. He was quick with a pun or a smile, able to hit you with more jokes than a clown with a cold.  
Yes, he was a big reason to why you enjoyed university.  
Toriel sighed and rubbed at her face, trying to hide her smile. “Thank you, Sans, for that… imaginative piece.” Sans smirked sitting down in his seat again. His brother, Papyrus, who was beside him, shot him a quick flick to the skull before Toriel called the class to attention again. “Now, I’m not saying that Sans’ piece wasn’t any good, but who can recite to me a piece of poetry that they think might be considered a romantic poem?”  
A deep, booming voice echoed from the hallway. “She walks in beauty, like the night, of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that’s the best of dark and bright, meet in her aspect and her eyes; Thus mellowed to that tender light. Which heaven to gaudy day denies.”  
Asgore entered the classroom, his red and yellow eyes twinkling with mischief, his black hair swept up into a messy ponytail. Kneeling before Toriel, he took her hand and raised it to his lips, giving it a gentle kiss before continuing. “One shade the more, one ray the less, had half impaired the nameless grace, which waves in every raven trees, or softly lightens over her face; where thoughts serenely sweet express, how pure, how dear their dwelling-place.”  
“Oh Asgore,” Toriel whispered to him, her eyes glistening with unshed tears, but the king was not finished with his recitation just yet.  
“And on that cheek, and over that brow, so soft, so calm, yet eloquent, the smiles that win, the tints that glow, but tell of days, in goodness spent, a mind at peace with all below, a heart whose love is innocent!” he finished, kissing Toriel’s hand again, before rising to his feet and bowing to the class, still holding the teacher’s hand.  
The students gave a polite clap, watching as Toriel’s eyes softened as she looked at him, the soft blush that was seen under her white fur…  
“Ah yes, ‘She Walks in Beauty’ by Lord Byron, a personal favourite of mine,” Toriel whispered to more herself than anyone else. The bell rang, startling everyone. The poem had held everyone entranced. “Homework! Research one romantic poem and give me an essay on what the author was truly relating in their work!” Toriel called out to the students who were packing up and looking to escape the room.  
Carefully you closed your notebooks, sliding them into your purse, and gathering your textbook into your arms. Toriel’s essay wouldn’t take very long to complete and then you could finish your other project for Alphys, all before work tomorrow morning. Then you might even have the weekend off.  
“Hey Doll! Wait up!” you grinned and stood off to the side to let the others pass as you waited for Sans. As usual, he and Papyrus were among the last to leave the classroom. Sans grinned at you, a smug grin on his teeth. “Did you like my poem?” he asked you, winking at you.  
You pretended to think about his question for a moment, humming in thought and tapping your finger to your cheek. “You know, I think that Toriel hit the nail right on the head with her observation. Your poem was very imaginative.” You snorted at Sans’ expression.  
Papyrus was shaking his head. “NOT LIKE HE HAD TO LOOK VERY FAR FOR INSPIRATION,” he said, earning himself a quick elbow from his elder brother.  
Rolling your eyes as the brothers continued to bicker, you led the way to the campus library. Papyrus would want to get started on the essay as well, and Sans would follow you guys to avoid being alone. Winding through the staircase, you came across your old friend Rebecca selling t-shirts for school pride day. Spying you, she waved you over. “Quick!” she called out, “I only have one green left! It goes perfectly with your eyes!”  
* * * * *  
You sighed softly, pencil tapping against your cheek as you poured over the book. Wild Nights written by Emily Dickinson had shown promise to you. “Rowing in Eden! Ah! The sea! Might I but moor, To-night in thee! … well, this could be someone talking about a scandalous lover. An affair perhaps” You whispered, causing Sans to snort. He was sitting close to you, elbow to elbow, peering over the little book with you. Papyrus was sitting across the table from the two of you, frantically working on his own essay.  
“When she is talking about wild nights being their luxury, I have to say that I agree that it is ‘scandalous’. Can’t be so scandalous and luxurious of nights if you don’t have complete access to them.” he said.  
“Or maybe their schedules just don’t line up? She is talking about ports, the sea and boats after all.” Thinking to yourself you starred the theory on your sheet. “I like that one best.”  
He shrugged. “Sailors could be on the sea for months at a time, that is true. Though it doesn’t sound as wild or scandalous to me as your first idea. Though,” he said, winking at you, “perhaps you could convince me otherwise?”  
You snorted loudly, shaking your head. Sans was certainly something else. Fine, he wanted to be convinced? You could do that. “Well, let’s say that you are in a long-distance relationship with someone that you really, really like…”  
Papyrus snorted into his book, covering his skull with the textbook. You looked over at him quickly, wondering what on earth was so funny. “DON’T MIND ME. SOME OF THIS POETRY IS VERY EXPRESSIVE. HUMANS ARE… VERY IMAGINATIVE.” He told you, waving you on.  
“Very well...” you said, turning back to Sans. He looked a little disoriented, one brow bone slightly higher than the other, his mouth slightly open. “Now you’re in this long-term, long-distance relationship with someone. You can’t see each other every day because of distance problems and other commitments. Now, because you can’t break up with this person, wouldn’t that mean that, every time that you can see this person, or anytime that you can hang out with them, that you are going to make every moment count? Make some memories?” you waggled your eyebrows at him, hoping to drive the point at home.  
Sans was still staring at you slightly dumbfounded, and Papyrus was definitely chuckling behind his book. “Did… did I miss something?” you finally asked them, “or am I the butt of someone’s joke?”  
Sans and Papyrus reacted at once. Where Sans sputtered though, Papyrus put down the book he was reading and spoke to you. “TRUST ME, HUMAN. YOU ARE NO JOKE. YOU ARE AN INTELLIGENT, WONDERFUL YOUNG LADY WHO IS ALSO, FROM WHAT HEAR FROM CERTAIN OTHERS, ALSO VERY ATTRACTIVE. I THINK THAT MY BROTHER WAS TRYING TO ASK SOMETHING ELSE OF YOU.”  
“Hey! Bro, who’s side are you on?” Sans asked, his cheekbones turning pink.  
“QUITE FRANKLY SANS, I AM ON MY OWN,” Papyrus told him with a smirk. “HOWEVER, PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF BETTER?”  
“Me?” Sans questioned, his eyes going between his brother and you. “Why me? Why… it should be clear…”  
Now you were getting more than a little worried. You had never seen the skeleton act this way around you before. And with his brother less than sympathetic… “Sans. Come on. You don’t have to worry about anything that you ask me. I don’t bite, and we are friends. Just ask me already.” You looked at him straight, folding your arms.  
Sans gulped. “I… well… it’s complicated…”  
“IT IS NOT.”  
“Not helping Papyrus!” Sans said, still not looking at his baby brother. He was fiddling with his black jacket now, looking nervous, little beads of red sweat appearing on his skull.  
“Hey. Concentrate on me,” you told him. “Look at me and ignore your brother. He’s just teasing you.”  
Sans looked at you, opened his mouth as if to speak, before looking behind you. “Shit! Is that the time?” he packed up all his notebooks and pens, throwing them into his bag. “Grillby is expecting me to help out at the bar. Tab issues.” He said. Seizing his brother’s red scarf, he began to drag the much taller skeleton behind him, ignoring his protests. “See ya, Doll!”  
“SANS I SWEAR TO FUCK IF YOU DO NOT RELEASE ME THIS MOMENT I WILL DISEMBOWEL YOU UNTIL YOU CAN NOT…”  
You giggled, waving at them. “Bye guys. Talk to you tomorrow!” You watched them leave before shaking your head, bending over your book. Must be an embarrassing boy or skeleton issue.  
* * * * *  
“Good evening, my gentle beauties and gentlemen! It is your favourite host, Mettaton!, coming at you live from New York City!” Papyrus watched enraptured as his favourite performer stepped onto the stage and the audience exploded into tears and screams. The humans had taken to MTT like a fish to water. They loved his jokes, his fashion, and his talent. But most of all, they loved his unabashed personality. “You folks are awfully excited tonight. Just wait till you see what we have in store, darlings!”  
Sans was pacing the floor of their shared room, hands shoved deep into his pockets, muttering to himself. “I don’t get it…. I was being so clear. Short of saying that I like her….” he sighed, scratching at the crack in his skull. He was grateful that he didn’t have to work tonight so he could mull everything over until it would start to make some sort of sense to him.  
Papyrus sighed at him, red eye lights turning to look at him. “SANS. YOU’RE BEING VERY LOUD. IF I TURN THE TV UP ANY FURTHER OUR NEIGHBOURS WILL HEAR IT, AND THAT IS AGAINST THE APARTMENT HANDBOOK. WE DO NOT NEED THEM COMPLAINING ABOUT US. WHO KNOWS WHEN WE WILL GET SUCH GOOD NEIGHBOURS AGAIN?  
SECONDLY – YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. YOUR SO-CALLED SMOOTH PICK-UP LINES AREN’T WORKING ON HER AND YOU’RE BEGINNING TO SCARE HER…”  
“That’s the thing, Boss!” Sans spun around to face him. “If she liked me the same, she would be picking up on this, right? She would see the pick-up lines and respond to them, right? It’s not like she has to be attracted to them or me… I’m no Casanova myself, I’m just bones….”  
Papyrus groaned and pinched his eye sockets. “SANS…. YOU REALLY CANNOT STAY AWAY FROM THE BAD PUNS, CAN YOU?”  
“Heh. What can I say, Boss? All part of the charm.” Sans grinned sheepishly at him.  
“PERHAPS THAT IS PART OF THE PROBLEM… HAVE YOU CONSIDERED CHANGING TACTICS?”  
“I…. what?”  
“CHANGE TACTICS. YOU KNOW, CHANGE UP YOUR GAME. MTT WAS TALKING ABOUT IT LAST MONTH.” Papyrus got up from his seat on the couch and began to rustle through the overflowing bookshelf. “LUCKILY I HAD THE SENSE TO PURCHASE HIS BOOK…”  
“Dude! That money could have gone towards our rent or food costs…!” the rest of Sans’ words was cut off by the paperback being shoved into his face. It had a giant picture of MTT sitting at a table with a rose, ironically alone.  
“HOW TO PROPERLY WOO THE SOUL OF YOUR DREAMS,” Papyrus told him, chest puffing out. “I GOT A SPECIAL DEAL SINCE MTT AND US GO WAY BACK.”  
Despite himself, Sans was looking through the book. The chapters were laced with proper diagrams, how to appear both open and confident, how to properly open the doors… etc. He blinked, looking back up at his brother. “What sort of deal?”  
“WE GOT IT AUTOGRAPHED FOR FREE!” Papyrus said, pointing to the front page. Sure enough.  
Sans sighed and shook his head. “Listen Paps, I…” his phone dinged, interrupting him. Pulling it out, he quickly read who sent it. “Oh, it’s her!” He said trembling in excitement. Perhaps things were turning around! Maybe she liked him and realized that he was laying the moves on her. He clicked to open it.  
“WAIT!” Papyrus said, grabbing Sans’ phone.  
“PAPS! WHAT THE FUCK?” Sans said, trying to grab his phone out of Papyrus’ boney grip.  
“CHAPTER ONE IS ABOUT COMMUNICATION. HE INCLUDED A SECTION SPECIFICALLY FOR ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATION. LOOK AT THIS!” he opened up the book to a bookmarked page (The Great and Terrible Papyrus does not destroy books). “FOOTNOTE 1.02.03A-8: ONE MUST NOT APPEAR TOO EAGER IN THE ‘TEXT BACK’. LEAVE THEM GUESSING WHAT YOU ARE UP TO AND LET THEM FIGHT FOR YOUR ATTENTION. GIVE YOURSELF AT LEAST AN HOUR BETWEEN TEXTS-”  
“An hour!?!” Sans yelped, eye lights shrinking. Here he had been waiting for any message from Doll and he had to wait so long to reply? That wasn’t fair.  
Papyrus sighed and rolled his eyes. “I THINK THAT MTT KNOWS A LITTLE MORE ABOUT THE ACT OF ROMANCE THAN YOU DO, BROTHER. AFTER ALL, MTT IS FAR MORE POPULAR THAN YOU AND I AND, AS HE SAID EARLIER, IS POSITIVELY ROLLING IN THE PUSSY.”  
With a groan, Sans took the book out of his brother’s hands, flipping through it. “I don’t ever want to hear that out of your mouth again,” he said, growling as he quickly read through the book.  
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH SAYING ‘ROLLING IN THE PUSSY’? I HAVE HEARD YOU SAY WORSE THINGS. JUST THE OTHER DAY AT WORK YOU TOLD DOGGO TO SUCK YOUR…”  
“I got it! I got it!” Sans sighed, settling in on the couch. “Fine. I’ll see what the robot has to say,” he grumbled, slowly beginning to read through the book. Despite himself, he actually became engrossed in the little book, not even noticing when Papyrus placed a bottle of mustard beside him and returned his phone.  
* * * * * *  
“Darlings – girls love a man who stands out in a crowd. Look at your outfit and look at me. Do you command the spotlight like I do? Does the camera love you? If not, then time to change. Make yourself beautiful! Be confident! Show her what you can offer!”  
Sans sighed and looked at himself in the mirror, pulling at the suit jacket that he was wearing. He had spent the entire night reading MTT’s dating manual, talking to Papyrus and even watching a couple romantic-comedy movies. He sighed. “What the fuck am I doing?”  
“WINNING THE HEART OF YOUR ONE, TRUE LOVE,” Papyrus said, nodding at the outfit. He was sitting on Sans’ bed, helping him prepare for the day. “THAT LOOKS MUCH BETTER THAN THAT DIRTY, DISGUSTING AND TORN JACKET THAT YOU INSIST ON WEARING ALL THE TIME.”  
“The tie isn’t too much?” Sans asked, tucking the red silk fabric under his collar.  
“OF COURSE NOT. BESIDES, WE ARE ALWAYS ENCOURAGED TO DRESS FOR THE JOB THAT WE WANT, NOT OUR CURRENT SITUATION.” Papyrus smiled.  
Sans blinked at him in his high-heeled boots, long scarf, edgy shirt and leather pants. “So… your dream job is to work at Hot Topic?”  
“SANS THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR AND YOU KNOW IT!” he growled softly, eyes flashing. “YOU OF ALL MONSTERS SHOULD KNOW THAT I WANT TO BE A HIPSTER CHEF! HOW DARE YOU?”  
* * * * *  
Sans sighed, adjusting the collar on his dress shirt again. Well… MTT and Papyrus did say that he should own the spotlight, make himself stand out. And this was definitely catching everyone’s attention.  
But, would it work on the one that he wanted to?  
“Hey Sans! Sans wait up!” his soul caught in his chest when he heard the familiar voice. Pausing, he turned to look down the hallway. There…  
You ran to catch up with him, cheeks softly flushed. “Hey. I texted you last night and…. Uh… what on earth are you wearing?” you asked him, your green eyes flashing up and down his body.  
Grinning, Sans posed, showing off every inch of the tux. You couldn’t keep your eyes off of him. Perhaps this was a good idea, after all. “You like? I decided that it was time to update my outfit. Go for a new look. And red is so my colour.” He purred, winking at you. The tie and vest of his tux were the same red as his eye lights, positively glowing off of his bones. There was no way that you couldn’t see the thought and effort that he had put into this outfit for you.  
To his surprise, you almost had a disappointed look on your face. “Well… I suppose so…. I did love that old jacket of yours after all… but… why so formal?”  
Sans felt himself flush and begin to sweat. You loved that jacket? But that meant that you liked what he wore already. “Umm…. It was the only thing I had in my closet for such short notice?”  
You stared at him, unimpressed. “So you decided the night classes to toss out your image, without getting new clothing, and come to school as a funeral director?”  
“Uhhhh…” Sans stalled out. You weren’t falling for it. Was there something wrong with the dating advice?  
“Never mind. Time to get to class.” You rolled your eyes, chuckling as you shook your head and walked by him. You probably thought that this was all just a big joke.  
“So… I didn’t get to my phone last night as I was preparing for tonight… what were you texting me about?” he asked, hoping to get the conversation off of his choice of dress.  
“Oh, I just wanted to ask you if something made sense for my essay. But when you didn’t respond, I thought you were busy and I asked my friend.” you shrugged. “Nothing important, don’t worry about it.”  
Sans watched you carefully. “But…” you were already walking into the classroom.  
* * * * *  
“Alright, Darlings. Not only do women like men who take charge and positively ooze with confidence, they also like the finer things. Show them that they will be spoiled and well looked after if they stand by you as a lover. Stability is key in a happily forever after. The prince chooses the princess.”  
Sans tapped his phalanges on the desk, watching as you set up for the class. You and him talked constantly and, he liked to think that he knew you pretty well. You hadn’t come from a well-off family. Though you had never gone without food or clothing, and you had always had a roof overhead and heat, you had never gotten the name brand clothing, nor had your parents jumped at the chance at buying you a Mercedes for your sweet sixteenth birthday.  
Hmmm… sure you were both university students, hard on cash, but appearance was everything as MTT said.  
“Hey, Doll…” he said, tapping your shoulder and striking a confident pose.  
Confused, you turned to look at him. You were used to his little terms of endearments, heck he rarely, if ever used your real name. But, he was acting differently today than he had before. You missed his old ways. “What’s up Sans?” you asked.  
“Did I ever tell you what this was made out of?” he asked tapping his golden fake. “I got it tested. Genuine 12K gold. Makes me look real good in my tux, huh?”  
You couldn’t even respond. You stared at him, and then at the silly fang. It was overlarge for his mouth, always hanging over the lip of his bottom teeth. “Didn’t you say that you and Papyrus had found that in a dump when you were younger? You had your real fang knocked out by a classmate and you were lucky to have found that one?”  
He gave a strangled yelp, looking at you with eye lights. “So? Just means that I was lucky…”  
“So it’s 12K, that explains why you unscrew it sometimes and throw it when you feel like starting a fight.” Without waiting for a response, you turned back to the front of the class when Toriel walked in.  
* * * * *  
“MTT does not have competition. Girls and guys throw themselves at me for a chance to be with me, to even have a second chance. Do you know why Darling? It is because I am in a class of my own. Prove to them that there is no one else worthy of their adoration, of their attention, and you will not fail.”  
San sighed, picking at the cafeteria’s provided lunch. It had been something supposed to represent meatloaf and gravy, and some form of creamed corn. Really it was nothing more than a cash grab. Heck, not even Doggo would eat this shit. Sighing, you looked over to where he could see who you were talking to.  
It was some other human, one who seemed to remind you a bit like Mettaton the more you looked at him. Perhaps it was his long, greasy black hair, or perhaps it was the way that he commanded the attention…  
Your attention.  
Sans couldn’t help the small growl as he watched the jerk make you laugh. That wasn’t fair. That was his laugh, one that only he could hear. You had such a nice, true laugh, one that reminded him of a precious angel’s fart. And now this… this guy was hearing it?  
This wasn’t fair.  
This simply would not do.  
Luckily for the asshole, Sans had managed to hold in his anger until you sat down with him and Papyrus. You had begun to poke at your food. Looked like you had gone for the soup instead today. A wise choice if Sans had a say in the matter…  
But why couldn’t you think of that way about him?  
“Sans? Are you ok? You haven’t even had a sip of your mustard.” He looked up, those green, worried eyes on him.  
“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” he spat, giving up on food and dropping his fork. Folding his hands under his chin, he looked at you. “I should be worried about you.”  
An eyebrow raised in surprise before you finished your spoonful of soup. “And why would you be worried about me? I’m not the one who seems to have undergone a wardrobe change, along with a personality dump.”  
His eye lights flashed. “At least I’m not chatting to… random Chads in the lunch line!” he said, waving a hand over to where he had seen him last. “Are you kidding me? I’m the one that is able to help you out with school work! I can help you with any problem that comes your way. We’ve hung out constantly throughout the school year. We’ve eaten together, shared food, shared dreams and hopes for the future. What does he have….?” Sans bit down the rest of his sentence. No. He didn’t deserve to ask you that. Not now, not ever.  
Last night, he was right. If you had liked him, you would have picked up on his signals.  
“Please go on. I think you cut yourself off there,” your voice was cold as your eyes narrowed at him. “Please explain to me how me, talking to my cousin, constitutes to me putting myself at risk for talking to random boys who just want to get in my pants.”  
….  
Wait….  
‘Chad’…. ‘Chad’ was… related?  
Sans groaned, letting his skull fall into his hands. “I’m sorry… I did not mean to accuse you of incest…” his eyes were watering. Nothing was going right.  
Perhaps it was time just to give up. After all, he had burned the bridge down beyond repair. Move on to the next one and completely destroy that one as well. It was what he was good at in the long run. He was LOVE, not love. He was a death defying, weapon yielding…  
“SANS,” Papyrus said gently, nudging his shoulder. “SANS. JUST TELL HER.”  
* * * * *  
Papyrus was still gently talking to Sans when you decided that you had enough of this. It was bad enough that Sans was acting like a completely different person but the comment about your cousin had pushed you over the edge.  
“Tell me what?” you demanded. You were still fuming, your cheeks becoming more and more red. “Does this have to do with the same conversation as yesterday? I swear to God Sans, if you have any more accusations you had better get them out of the damn blue because I have had it up to here with your shit today…!”  
His hands slammed on the table, startling you and Papyrus. “I… I REALLY L-LIKE YOU!” Sans yelled, his cheeks flushed. “I REALLY LIKE YOU AND… AND ALL MY OTHER TRICKS WEREN’T WORKING. S-SO I DECIDED THAT I WOULD MIX IT UP A LITTLE BIT. I READ MTT’S DATING HANDBOOK, I WATCHED MORE ROM-COMS THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A FIST AT. I EVEN TOOK NOTES DURING THE MOVIE! I JUST WANTED TO TRY SOMETHING ELSE OUT FOR YOU AND IT TURNS OUT THAT I SCREWED THAT UP TOO.” he groaned and hid his face in his hands, still trying to recover from the previous incident.  
Meanwhile, your mind was whirling, brain trying to understand what he was saying to you. “You? You like me?” you asked.  
“DID I FUCKING STUTTER?” he demanded, eye lights flashing a dangerous red.  
You couldn’t help the tiny giggle that escaped you. “Actually… you did…. a couple of times.” Your cheeks were red, but now for a different reason.  
Sans blinked at you before snorting himself. “Sorry, Doll,” he said, unbuttoning the top buttons of his dress shirt, removing the tie. “Got a little hot under the collar.” He sighed and shook his head.  
“I’d say,” you agreed, eyes twinkling. “But hey, I know that being a maître d’ is a stressful job.”  
The skeleton chuckled and shook his head. “And here I thought I looked spiffy… you wound me madam.” He placed a hand to his chest, pretending to be shot before a look of reality crossed his mind. “Ugh…. I screwed that one up…” he said again, wincing. You nodded. You knew that nothing that you said would make him feel any better at this moment. “Can I try that again?” Sans asked you, a small smile crossing his skull. “From the top.  
Humming, you pretended to think about it. “Tell you what. We’ll skip the first meeting and awkward handshake, and you can fast forward to the moment that you properly ask me out for dinner and movie tomorrow night.”  
“Deal,” Sans said quickly. “My treat.”  
You couldn’t resist. “There is a new romantic comedy out, the one starring Jesse Metcalfe. Want to go and see?”  
Sans’ pained face was more than worth it.  
* * * * *  
“Now Darlings, I must warn you. Just because these techniques are fool-proof for me, doesn’t mean that all of them would work for you. I am the one and only Mettaton after all. Superstar, mega-talent and mega rich. Each one of you are fabulous and different in your own, special way. Go get them, sweeties! Go get your love!  
“But if these techniques do not work for you, there is no money back guarantee.”


	2. First Date Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MTT’s book in the trash where it belongs, you and Sans are about to head out on your first date. However, even before it begins, it seems like the universe is very much against you and him dating. Nothing goes right….
> 
> But sometimes, that is where the most fun can be found.

Sans hummed excitedly as he threw in the laundry into the machine.  No, he wasn’t excited about doing laundry in the campus’ community laundry bay, that would be weird and something that his brother would be excited about.  Something about “FINALLY TAKING CARE OF THE FUCKING, NASTY, SOCK.” 

There were a few things wrong with that following statement.

One – the sock was in its rightful place.  The floor of the living room.  Right where everyone could see it and marvel at the artistic curves of the fabric.

Two – the sock was clean, not gross or nasty.  Well, as clean as clean could be for sitting on the floor for a few months.

Three – well, three was the reason why he was excited.  Again, not for laundry day.

No, today was the day.  Today was The Day.

Starting the machine, Sans looked around the small, empty room.  For once there were no other students in the area.  The possibilities.  He could possibly go upstairs and have a quick nap, leaving his clothes where they are to finish washing, but Papyrus would just bitch about leaving the laundry unattended.  Like someone would steal a load of once white t-shirts.  There were free chairs by the lost laundry notices that looked comfortable.  So instead of his preferred nap, he settled himself on one of the nearby chairs next to a newer looking sign advertising a lost red hiking sock.  As broke-ass college students, everything was preciously expensive, especially wool socks.  Oh well, he decided, sucks to be that person and others who had lost things.

Pulling his phone out of his pocket, grinning as he realized he had a message from you.  He eyed your snapchat as it came through, eye lights sparkling with mischief.  You were just about to finish a shift at the restaurant you were working at and you had snapped a picture of some sort of dessert that you had decorated yourself with what to be his face on it.  You had even used a small chunk of pineapple to resemble his golden fang.  The overall look was rather sweet and charming he had to admit.  Chuckling, he snapped a quick photo of himself and captioned it, “Which looks better to eat though, Doll?” he could already imagine your face blushing as you read the message.  Putting the phone away, he leaned back in the chair, pulling his dark jacket into a more comfortable position, sighing softly.

He was excited but surprisingly relaxed today.  None of the anxiety that he had been battling the days prior had made an appearance – not that he was complaining.  Perhaps it was because he had already taken care of almost everything?  He had already secured reservations for tonight at the new restaurant in town that you had mentioned that you might want to try (after making sure that they were monster friendly).  The table wouldn’t be ready for you guys until about an hour after the movie, giving you plenty of time to take a romantic stroll through town or grab a coffee from your favourite coffee shop, whichever you preferred.  He hadn’t been able to purchase the tickets ahead of time, but it would be more fun to secure the seats there at the theatre together he supposed.  For now, all he had to do is wait for the laundry to be finished, and then move it into the dryer.

The small ping of the washing machine woke him up.  Yawning and stretching, Sans felt all the bones in his body pop.  Ok, those chairs were not meant for napping.  They weren’t that comfortable.  Shuffling over to the machines, he reached into the washer and pulled out his t-shirts.

Only to find that his t-shirts had changed colours during the load.

Gone were the white t-shirts, gone were the grease marks and mustard stains.  Instead, they were replaced with clean, fresh smelling pink t-shirts.  Blinking rapidly, Sans looked through each piece of clothing.  Yes, this was his load.  These were his t-shirts…. But why were they…

He pulled a red sock out of one of the arms of the t-shirts.

Cursing, he placed the offending sock in the middle of the folding table and threw the rest of his wash into the drying machine.  His jacket would cover most of the pink, he would just need to keep it closed.  And it looks like that he was going shopping afterwards.

* * * * *

Sans teleported just outside the restaurant that you worked at, pulling the fur of his jacket up to hide the smallest hint of pink.  Papyrus was working on the rest of the shirts now, putting them through another wash cycle with a small dash of baking soda.  He made a new rule of checking all machines for lost and found items before using.

Still, Sans sighed softly, leaning against the building.  Soon he would see you and all would be well.  You and him had been planning this date for weeks now, there was always something that seemed to get in the way.  Between school and the work schedules for the both of you, it was hard enough to sneak in a study session in the library.  And now, there was nothing in your way.

“Hey,” your voice startled Sans, causing him to jump away from the wall.  He couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face when he saw you.

“Hey sweetheart,” he said,  taking your change of clothes from you, “did you have a good shift?”

You sighed and rolled your eyes.  “Give me a moment to answer,” you told him before you walked over to the nearby recycling bin.  Digging deep into your pockets you tossed more than a couple shiny pamphlets, and what looked to be a couple of business cards into the bin.  “Ok.  Now I’m ready to go.  Does this theatre serve alcohol?”  You sounded irritated.

Sans offered you his arm, still looking at the bin in confusion.  “I mean, there is an option for that…” he said.  “Or do you want to skip the movie and just go to the bar instead?”

Slinging your arm through his, you sighed but shook your head.  “No, no… theatre first. Just… just a rough day.”

“Tell me about it,” Sans said, drawing you closer to him as he walked you down the sidewalk.  Pink shirts could be ignored for now.  Your day was more important than his.

Shaking your head, you smiled at him, resting your head against his shoulder as the two of you walked together.  “Just same shit, different day,” you told him.  “First, a couple businessmen came through and think that leaving me their business card with their phone number is a good replacement for a tip.”

Sans snorted at that, easily pushing the small tinge of jealousy that he felt.  It was rather obvious that you weren’t interested in them.  “Of course…  Those who can afford to buy an expensive meal for themselves or for their friends or clients and do not have enough to tip you can clearly spoil you rotten should you guys date.”

Success.  You giggled, gazing up at him with those wonderful green eyes of yours.  “Oh yes.  Clearly he has all the money in the world to show me all that fifty dollars and twenty-five cents can get me.”

Wrapping his arm around you tighter, Sans gave you a tight side hug.  “I hear that is a fantastic view of his driveway.”  He smiled as you laughed at it.  Good.  There was the you that he knew and…

Well.  Fill in the blank later.

“But you said that those guys were first.  What else happened?” Sans asked you.

You rolled your eyes.  “Father Simon was in today.  The shimmering grey BMW? Crisp, name-brand clothing on himself, wife and three kids?  Heck, he even has a Rolex that he hides under his suit.  Anyways, he and some of his followers came in today after the sermon.  Between the twelve of them, they easily ordered a couple hundred dollars worth of food and drink.  Came in preaching the good word, God and His Son shall save us and that we are loved.  I enjoyed that part,” you said, looking at Sans.  “It’s just when every single one of them refuses to leave a tip and instead only leaves a stupid pamphlet on how both my coworkers and I could be saved… well.  You see where I am coming from.” Sighing, you scratched under your eye.  “Because obviously I don’t need money for food or rent.  Apparently, long-term salvation can take care of all my needs immediately.”

Sans opened the theatre’s door, letting you slide in first.  “I’m sorry you had a rough day, babes.  Hopefully, I can help make it better.”

Looking back at him, you shot him one of the most beautiful smiles he had ever seen.  “Believe me when I say that it is already better.”

Oh, you knew just how to make his soul flutter.  Pink shirts were forgotten now. You were all that mattered in his eyes.  Gently squeezing your hand, he led you to the ticket counter.  “Remember, it is my treat.” He said. 

“You really don’t have to Sans.  I don’t mind splitting the costs.” You smiled at him.  He loved that, loved when your eyes met his… sent a tingle down his spine.

The acne-ridden, greasy haired teenager looked positively terrified of them.  His eyes flickered between Sans and you, and then to the door, like he wanted to escape.  “Am I that terrifying tonight?” Sans asked, turning towards him.

“Oh you always look intimidating,” you teased him, squeezing his hand, “but I’m more worried that he is one of those who distrusts monsters…”

The teenager gulped slightly as you guys came up to the counter.  He looked pale, like he was about to pass out.  “I… I… I should warn you…. that… that today’s paper was wrong…. The show times were for yesterday…. And weren’t updated… the… the current times are on the board now….” he shakily pointed to the board behind him, showing the times of the movies.

Sans looked up at the board and groaned.  The times and movies had been changed in a very noticeable way.  “Looks like we missed the last showing of the movie, sweetheart.”

Your face crumpled in disappointment.  “Really?  God damn it….” Sans hated that look on your face.  He wanted to help but was unsure how.  You guys could always try and come back another night for the movie, but who knew how long that would be.  The teenager was still watching them, grease shining in the low light.  The poor guy had probably already been screamed at more than a few times tonight for something that wasn’t his fault.  “Well how about we see the other one we were thinking about?  It starts in ten minutes.”

With a nod, Sans agreed.  “We could always see it when it comes out on Netflix or whenever one of our neighbours buys it.”  There, problem solved.  Quick and painless.

The ticket master relaxed notably as he punched in your new order.  “That would be ten dollars, please.” he squeaked.

Nodding, Sans dug his hand into his pocket before freezing.  He could positively feel his bones freezing in horror.  Really?  After everything that had already happened to the both of you, this had to happen? You looked at him, confused for a moment before his horrified face started to make sense.  You giggled softly, pulling out your own wallet.  “Dutch it is.” You said, pulling out a bill and handing it to the worker.

Sans felt so ashamed at that moment.  He knew exactly what had happened.  By the door, right beside the key bowl, his wallet sat.  Just so he wouldn’t forget to grab it when he grabbed his keys. 

Looks like he would need to teleport home and grab that after the movie.  After all, you couldn’t do Dutch on your first date!  That just wasn’t right!

* * * * *

You and Red left the movie quietly, following the other patrons out.  You guys were quiet, lost in your own little world, thinking about the movie.  Red was slowly moving his head, trying to crack the vertebrae without scaring you.  His previous nap in the laundry room was beginning to come back to haunt him as the movie seats had been less than overly comfortable.

“Well,” Red finally offered, feeling his neck give slightly, “that was… interesting?  They had an… unusual plot to it.  Really kept you guessing throughout the entire film.”

Bursting out into laughter, you gently whacked his arm.  “Oh, come on. You can be honest with me.  That movie was terrible!  The trailers totally showed it to be some next generation science-fiction, the new era of the combining power of the human and technology.  Not some desperate cash grab with a few A grade actors!” 

Sans chuckled, relieved that you were of the same opinion as him.  He wasn’t the best or most confident liar around.  “Well now that you mention it, they had more green screens than a weather station.”

Laughing, you smiled up at him.  “I’m glad to be here,” you said simply.

Sans couldn’t help the wince that came to his skull at your words.  So far nothing was going right for the both of you.  It was the wrong movie and it had been awful, and you had ended up paying thanks to him.  “Hey now.  Save those words until I take you out to eat,” he said, smiling quickly at you.  You were going to say something else, perhaps argue with him, when he nodded towards the poor admissions worker.  He was surrounded by a horde of angry patrons, probably looking for their money back.  “Want to try and get your money back on a refund?” he asked.

You shook your head.  “Poor guy is busy enough.  Besides, his manager would probably give us free tickets at best, or at worst tell us that we sat through the entire movie.  Already past some ‘money-back guarantee’ period.”  As much as he wanted to disagree and try to get your money back, the skeleton had to admit that you had a point.  The two of you would spend ages in line for next nothing.  Sans watched as an older, bored looking gentleman finally came down to the area.  Presumably the manager at last.  “Ready to grab something to eat? I’m hungry.  Popcorn didn’t fill me up.”  On cue your stomach growled.

Smiling at you, Sans drew you close to him, preparing to teleport the two of you.  “Ready when you are, sweetheart.  Just let me grab my wallet first.”

* * * * *

The little side-trip took almost an hour to complete.  Of course something as simple as ‘grab the wallet and go’ couldn’t be that easy.  Not today of all days.  Papyrus had decided to take advantage of Sans’ absence and do some needed cleaning around the little apartment and had moved his wallet, and then had left to study in the library.  You and Sans had almost torn the apartment into its previous state of disarray until you had found his wallet… in the key bowl.

Sans grit his teeth, angry that it had taken so long and that he hadn’t noticed the wallet before.  Nothing was going his way tonight.  And stars, you were along for a ride now.  If it had just been him, Sans might have just given up and gone home, napped for a week and then tried again.  But no.  Here he was, pulling you out to a shitty movie after your crappy day at work, and now you had to try and help him find his stupid wallet because he decided to leave that at home.

Your stomach growled, reminding Sans that the popcorn that the two of you had had wasn’t exactly the most filling of dinners.  Pulling you close to him, wallet safe in his jacket pocket, he teleported directly to the restaurant.  No time for anything else.

The restaurant was just about to give your table when the two of you guys appeared.  The hostess rolled her eyes and sighed loudly when Sans had approached the stand.  She had begrudgingly looked through her computer for Sans’ reservation (at least that had been done correctly).  When his name appeared on the computer, she had reluctantly led the two of you to an open table.  As she showed them around, Sans took in the restaurant  The restaurant seemed to be decorated in an odd mixture of disco and Hawaiian.  Frankly Sans didn’t know what they were going for, nor was he sure if this is how they advertised themselves.  Perhaps it was the remains of his Fell nature, but Sans couldn’t help himself from looking wildly around, staring at everything.  The waitress noticed his observations and rolled her eyes again.  She placed the two of you in a small corner table, right next to the kitchen.

Great… this was not what he meant by secluded… Sans sighed back at the hostess, biting back his comments about her attitude.  He opened his menu, peeking at you.  Already you were pouring over the menu, reading carefully, your lips pressed into a thin line. Seems like you weren’t having the best time… wincing, Sans peered at his menu.

Only to be met with the smallest, most descriptive text that he could imagine.  “Bloody hell,” he said, “I wonder if they wrote our textbooks.”

You let out a tiny giggle.  “Would explain how our textbooks always seemed to give vivid food descriptions.  Juicy hearts.  Tasty love…” you snorted, smiling at Sans before returning your attention back to the menu.

Sans let out a relieved sigh.  Well, you were still talking to him and cracking jokes.  That was a good sign.

A waiter, dressed in the odd combination of a Hawaiian shirt and dress pants, approached the table.  “My name is Jolly John but you can call me HOOOSIAH,” he yelled out, making the both of you jump, “and I will be your waiter today.  Can I start you off with any drinks?”

The skeleton was tempted to order a bottle of mustard to drink, but, as the rest of the date was going ‘swimmingly’, he decided not to add his drunken ass to the mix.  “Water,” he croaked out.

“Make it two, please.  Also, what sort of oils do you use in your cooking?”

John made a note of your drinks on his little notepad.  “I believe we use sunflower oil.  The boss likes how it gives a different taste to the food.  Makes it light, fresher… fills your soul with…”

“Perfect.  Thank you.” you smiled at him causing John to hurry away.  Right, you had that slight sensitivity to soybeans… Sans had almost forgotten about that.  Luckily you knew the right questions to ask.

“Perhaps we should avoid drinking the water at all…” Sans muttered, looking back at the menu.  Geeze, what would it take to order a simple hot dog or hamburger around this joint?

Your laughter reached him again, causing the sharp-toothed monster to smile.  “Aw, be gentle Sans.  He just enjoys his job.  Hasn’t had the soul sucked out of him by the general public just yet.”

He couldn’t help the dopy look that crossed his skull.  You really were perfect.

Jolly John returned with your water.  It seems like he had decorated the rims of your glasses with a variety of tropical fruits.  It looked like a Hawaiian goddess threw up.  Sans stared at it, wondering how he was supposed to take a drink without disrupting the rest of the glass.  It reminded him of Papyrus’ overzealous attempts at platting food.  You had pushed the food to one side of the rim, allowing you to take a sip of it.  “Are you two ready to order?”

“A couple more minutes,” the two of you said in sync, causing John to scurry away again.  As the two of you poured over your menus, Sans’ decided to make his move.  Slowly, Sans reached across the table to take your hand, gently squeezing it.

It took a breathless moment, but you squeezed back too.  He couldn’t help the little stutter in his soul as you returned to soft pressure.  Perhaps everything was going to be ok after all.

A few minutes later, Sans was looking for John again when he noticed that you seemed to be in some distress.  You cleared your throat once, twice and then three times, growing more confused as you couldn’t remove the tickle from within your throat.  Rubbing at your throat, you slowly began to look around.  “Is it hot in here, or is it just me?”

Avoiding the obvious pickup line, Sans chose to answer honestly.  “It is a little warm in here, but I think you’re the only flushed one,” he said, growing worried over your heating flesh.

John had come up to the table again.  “Is everything ok here?” he had asked, looking between you and Sans.

“Have these fruits come into contact with soybeans or any by-product?”

John nodded.  “My boss soaks the fruits in their water and…”

Shit… you were having an allergic reaction.

Sans reacted immediately.  Getting up, he propelled himself around the table, grabbing hold of your hips and legs, somehow tossing your purse onto your lap, and teleporting into the hospital that was nearest to the campus.

* * * * *

The two of you were sitting on hard, pink chairs, Sans’ arm wrapped around you as you shivered.  Upon teleporting the two of you directly into the hospital, your throat had closed up further, making it borderline impossible for you to talk.  You had gasped and wheezed for breath, terrifying the nurses and the doctors that saw you appear.  Luckily, Sans was there to answer their questions, explaining all that he possibly could to them as they wheeled you into a nearby room.  Telling them about your sensitivity to soybeans and what you had come into contact with, and warning them that Advil tended to give you stomach ulcers.

You had made it just in time to the hospital as to not require an oxygen mask.  Instead, they had shot you with an Epi-Pen, given you normal water to drink, and now had you under mandatory health watch.  If you went into another allergic attack you would be hooked up to oxygen in a heartbeat and be given more allergy medicine.

But for now, it seems like the worst had passed.

“So…” Sans said, breaking the slightly awkward silence, “worst date, ever?” he asked slightly nervously.  There was pale red sweat dripping down his skull and even the crack in his skull seemed to droop slightly.

Turning your head, you looked at him.  “What do you mean?”  You were still slightly pale, your voice weak, but overall, in good health.

Leaning back against the chair, Sans sighed.  “Well, I forget my wallet, we see a terrible movie, almost miss our table and end up in the hospital at the end of it.  Doesn’t seem exactly what you had in mind for our date.”  He rubbed the side of his face, his eye lights down.  “I seem to have bad luck with anything I touch.  I would totally understand if you never want to see me again…”

You couldn’t help yourself.  Laughter peeled from your mouth, causing him to jump and look over at you with a shocked expression.  Your laughter sounded beautiful as always, like music to his ears.  “Oh, Sans,” you giggled, wiping your tears from your eyes, “thank you.  I needed the laugh.”  He couldn’t respond.  He stared at you, mouth agape.  Smiling, you explained yourself.  “All I wanted to do was spend time with you.  Forget the shitty day at work, forget about school for a bit…” you flushed slightly.  “Honestly, I haven’t seen any negatives with the day.  All it has is made it more memorable for me…

“And I’m sure that you are never going to forget our first date either.” You smiled at him, watching the relief cross over his face.

Sans couldn’t help himself.  Chuckling, he pulled you closer.  “How about we call this the practice date, and, once I get my shit together, I’ll take you out on a real date.  One without the restaurant that chooses to use fruit soaked in soybean water, a movie with real plot, and a wallet with real money in it?”

Giggling, you nodded.  “I can agree to that.”  Looking at his sharpened teeth quickly, you seized the front of his jacket, pulling him towards you.  Giving him a short, very sweet kiss.  “Just as long as you agree that that was our first kiss.”

Eye lights hazy and faintly resembling hearts, his cheekbones slightly pink, Sans stared dumbly at you.  “Gosh damnit, here you are in a hospital, and it is my breath being stolen away…”

How he could spin such jokes in a heartbeat, you would never know.  Resting your head on his jacket, you smiled.  “It is a gift….” You explained to him.  Grinning, he wrapped his arm tightly around you again, pulling you against him.

For a few minutes you sat in comfortable silence, listening to the sounds of the emergency department.  Nurses and doctors ran, papers rustling and machines were beeping.  This was far better than any movie.  “Sans?  Do you mind if I ask you a quick question?”

“Go for it, sweetheart.”

“Why are you wearing a pink shirt?”

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully you guys enjoyed! If you like what I do, leave me a kudos and comment, or consider supporting me with a Ko-Fi or becoming a Patreon!


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